Intervention

I just got back from KPMG. And thanks to Najib and our football team who won the Suzuki Cup after 10+ years, this holiday is well deserved for everyone in Malaysia.

But that is not what I want to take about.
I guess I got shaken up a little today.
Road violence is the right word to use.
I was kinda squeezing through the road and I guess I kinda "touch" another car's body but there wasn't any scratch.
But the other driver wind down his window and asked me "What is your problem?"
I responsed "Nothing is wrong" and after a few (stressful) seconds, he left and on his way.

And I am totally scared that he would come back behind me and collide his car with mine.
If you know me, I am a freakingly paranoia type that would exaggerate scenario and think of the worst thing that could happen in my life.

So if a mere man could have such an effect on me, then how much more can God affect me.
We are to fear God and at the same time praise and worship Him.
I sometimes wonder to myself why I don't have enough courage to fear God.
Sometimes I fear God for all the sins I done that I don't even want to go to Him, afraid that He would find out all the wrongs I have done. Although He already knows that we are going to do it even before we do it ourself.
This is so contradicting in some wacky way.

So what I take as today's lesson is that anything can happen anytime, be it today, tomorrow or next week. We are incapable of predicting the future or controlling our present. All we have is God. So we need to find peace in God, to confide all our insecurities, shortcomings to God, to be ever communicating to Him, to treat Him as a stern Father, a loving Father yet the perfect friend. And all the glory is to Him and Him alone.

Let us see in His eyes. Let us bleed like how His heart bleeds. Let us share what He has to offer to the world. Let us feel that He feels for others. Let us drench people in His love as He does it upon us. Let us not judge for He does not judge. Let us be kind and peaceful among each other as He is among us. Let us tolerate all differences as He accepts all with an open heart.

Determination

For starters, this is kinda late but I am now back in Malaysia, the country of humid and hot weather.
And I started my internship in KPMG (corporate hours from 8.30 to 5.30 is kinda long for me) so at least I am not wasting my holiday away like last year plus earning some decent cash. Sweet.

Somehow coming back to the comfort of your home affect me for the good and also for the bad.

First of all, I feels great to be back and see my parents and soak in their love and affection.
I have my car (at last!) and I can drive myself wherever I want.
And I get to eat good food without having me to buy the groceries from Coles and having the hassle to cook it and need to clean afterwards.
Plus I got my own room back and get to turn on my music till my heart desires.

But all this is how I used to lived before I went to Melbourne and now that I am back, I can't seem but to think that I just revert back to my old, safe lifestyle back instantaneously. I feel like I didn't even left for Melbourne and I feel like I didn't even learn anything or even practise whatever I learnt from my time studying in Melbourne. It feels like I have abandoned my Melbourne life and just resume my old Malaysian life.

To be honest, I kinda resent that part of me whereby I just immediately transform back to old self. Lazy, afraid, self retained, self centred, not open. All these bad traits which I have traded off in Melbourne, it seems to be back and the good trait seems to be left back in Australia.

I want to determined again. I want to be hardworking. I want to know what is upmost priority first in life. I want to be friendly. I want to be open again. I want to be ridiculously friendly again. I want to be the Ian in Melbourne which I have learn to be and love, not the Malaysian Ian.

But above all, the worst part about the Malaysian Ian is that I have became lazy. Lazy in my relationship with God. Because I have become so comsumed with my old life that I have literally stop practising all those things I learnt from Melbourne.

I prayed less, I rarely do my daily QT nowadays, I rarely talk to God, I rarely put God first in whatever I did in life. And I resort to my old, bad ways of p*** again, if not more here than in Melbourne. So I just prayed through this post, I will get a revelation, a sign, an omen that it is time to leave my old ways behind and start living according to Jesus.

I have to follow Jesus, lift up my cross daily and turn my eyes upon Him for through Him, only salvation can come. And through Him, He will grant you strength no matter how weak you may be.

Let the weak say "I am strong" and let the poor say "I am rich"