Inadequate. Insufficient. Incompetent. Incomplete. Incapable. Imperfect. Incommensurate. Infrequent. Impaired. Inferior. Impotent. Ineffectual. Inefficient. Insubstantial. Infirm. Inept.
All the words described above have similar meaning which is lacking of something of what is required or necessary.
Today, or this week rather, I have been feeling that way. I feel so lousy, so week, so feeble, to be able to do anything. For starters, I keep failing in waking up to my desired time every morning. I want to wake up like a hour prior to any class, if I have any on that day, or around 8am so that I can go to the gym and be more productive with my time and day and resources. But alas, I can't. I can't get my fat ass off the bed. I just keep sleeping and sleeping and sleeping till it was noon today.
And my mind keep telling me that I can't do anything coz I am that incompetent.
I can't study harder.
I can't be smarter.
I can't run faster.
I can't help people better.
I can't be more knowledgeable.
I can't be better at badminton.
I can't be able at my time with God.
I can't be able to hear God's words.
I can't have a better prayer life.
I can't be more toned.
I can't be healthier.
I can't be more of an extrovert.
I can't forgive people.
I can't tolerate people.
I can't cook better.
I can't connect with people better.
I can't be better looking than other people.
I can't be taller than other people.
I can't be more talented than other people.
I can't play any musical instrument better than other people.
I can't allocate my time properly.
I can't be friendlier to people.
I can't stay away from the internet before falling.
I can't be more disciplined in my study and spiritual life.
So much doubts that have been casted down on me till I can reach to the point of breaking down. I just keep undermining and undermining myself for hours and hours, days, weeks. But somehow my system, at times, chooses to ignores these doubts and at other times, decides to bombard me with them till I break into tears. I am so freaking sick of this. Whenever my inner conscious is doing, it is like I have no control of it. In university, you turn to one side and you see a taller and hunkier guy. You turn to the other side and you see people having a gf/bf. Another side and you see them so diligently studying. Another side and you see people socializing and so sure of themselves. Sometimes it sickens me to see people having everything so easy from the outside and that's how you begin to undermine yourself and it never stops. It is a perpetual torment every single day of your life. It is killing me from the inside.
I am stuck. I am insecure. I am taking everything too seriously and have too of a critical mindset. I need to break down these walls that the Devil has built around me and start change my mindset for the better. I must...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Emo emo emo
Hey peeps I am back in Melbourne once more, the land of unpredictable weather and really bad housing compared to mine in Malaysia.
To be frank, I have been wanting to write this blog since I arrived here but everytime I have the urge to, the computer is shut off and I am always laying on the bed, too exhausted to get up.
Today that has changed.
I guess this will be my most honest-to-God post I have ever published, so I am sorry if I am being blunt and honest and just trying to be myself for a change.
As people would (or would not) know, I departed early to Melbourne around 2 weeks ago (13 February 2011) and undergo a missionary trip called the "February Missionary Trip". This trip revolves about going to universities around Melbourne mainly Monash Caulfield, Monash Clayton, Melbourne University and Ballarat University. In each campuses, the team by the name of the club called "Student Life" conducted questionnaire and just shared the gospel to the university students, namely international students. It was a two weeks long missionary that just ended last week (13/2/11 - 26/2/11).
And as fun as the trip was, it was more draining for everyone especially me. Physically from all the travelling between campuses. Mentally from all the mind pressing need to be done to keep the conversation lively. Emotionally from talking continuously to different people and the stress of going beyond your comfort zone. Spiritually from trying to reach out to them constantly. At the end of this trip, especially the first week, I was so so so so drained of myself and I was so indifferent and distracted and couldn't care less. And after the second week, I was easily annoyed and find myself so fired up over little things, I feel everyone around me are such a nuisance and I felt that I couldn't communicate to anyone anymore.
As you know, during this project, you normally have sharing sessions and prayer sessions with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I find it ridiculously hard to open up and share. I find it so insecure to talk about my inter most feeling, my biggest insecurities. I am going to sound really harsh but who are they to know about my personal life. I mean like we are friends, but we aren't that close so why should I tell you stuff. And deep down inside, I keep mocking them all and keep laughing at them when they say or do something. And somehow I find myself insanely proud of myself. Thinking I am better than all of them. And another half of the time, I also keep shooting myself down when they can share the gospel or bring someone to Christ. And I will be questioning myself and God why can't that be me and why can't I do such thing like they can. I feel so confused with all the overwhelming emotions which rendered me useless and making me feel like a failure.
There is something about me. I don't really believe what you showed on the outside. Or even what comes out from your mouth. When people smile, I always assume they are just being polite and just don't wanna hurt your feeling. But deep down inside, they are just teasing and laughing at you, bashing you of your appearances and actions. If you say something like ohh that cool, I don't buy it. I have always believe that talk is cheap. Or even when my friend say that he is an introvert, his actions don't portray that. That is just rubbish and lies to me. And I cannot stand the fact that people can be so friendly all the time and can talk relentlessly all the time. That is just absurd I am telling you.
I have also an issue with trusting people. Deep down inside, every human thinks for themselves and themselves alone. You think when they say like do you need help, I don't believe that's what they mean deep from their heart. Human nature tells me so that isn't true. People cannot be 100% loving towards one another all the time. Love is such a fragile thing and it is easily broken by people of this world. Look at politicians. The newspapers. You would know what I mean. I still find it hard to trust people here in Melbourne. Sure I have learn to know these people and grow to get closer to them and in this, love them at the same time. Still you cannot associate love and trust in the same sentence. Or that's how I see that. I still feel that people are still pretentious no matter how loving they are. They always have an internal motive that they are doing so for their own benefit.
This part is going to be a hard part for me to express it out. But I have to for the sake of the friendship. At this moment, I am wondering should I write it up here or just confront them and just express how I really feel about that. But since they are not online ATM, I will do it right here right now.
It is nothing really big, really. I'll type that another day.
To be frank, I have been wanting to write this blog since I arrived here but everytime I have the urge to, the computer is shut off and I am always laying on the bed, too exhausted to get up.
Today that has changed.
I guess this will be my most honest-to-God post I have ever published, so I am sorry if I am being blunt and honest and just trying to be myself for a change.
As people would (or would not) know, I departed early to Melbourne around 2 weeks ago (13 February 2011) and undergo a missionary trip called the "February Missionary Trip". This trip revolves about going to universities around Melbourne mainly Monash Caulfield, Monash Clayton, Melbourne University and Ballarat University. In each campuses, the team by the name of the club called "Student Life" conducted questionnaire and just shared the gospel to the university students, namely international students. It was a two weeks long missionary that just ended last week (13/2/11 - 26/2/11).
And as fun as the trip was, it was more draining for everyone especially me. Physically from all the travelling between campuses. Mentally from all the mind pressing need to be done to keep the conversation lively. Emotionally from talking continuously to different people and the stress of going beyond your comfort zone. Spiritually from trying to reach out to them constantly. At the end of this trip, especially the first week, I was so so so so drained of myself and I was so indifferent and distracted and couldn't care less. And after the second week, I was easily annoyed and find myself so fired up over little things, I feel everyone around me are such a nuisance and I felt that I couldn't communicate to anyone anymore.
As you know, during this project, you normally have sharing sessions and prayer sessions with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I find it ridiculously hard to open up and share. I find it so insecure to talk about my inter most feeling, my biggest insecurities. I am going to sound really harsh but who are they to know about my personal life. I mean like we are friends, but we aren't that close so why should I tell you stuff. And deep down inside, I keep mocking them all and keep laughing at them when they say or do something. And somehow I find myself insanely proud of myself. Thinking I am better than all of them. And another half of the time, I also keep shooting myself down when they can share the gospel or bring someone to Christ. And I will be questioning myself and God why can't that be me and why can't I do such thing like they can. I feel so confused with all the overwhelming emotions which rendered me useless and making me feel like a failure.
There is something about me. I don't really believe what you showed on the outside. Or even what comes out from your mouth. When people smile, I always assume they are just being polite and just don't wanna hurt your feeling. But deep down inside, they are just teasing and laughing at you, bashing you of your appearances and actions. If you say something like ohh that cool, I don't buy it. I have always believe that talk is cheap. Or even when my friend say that he is an introvert, his actions don't portray that. That is just rubbish and lies to me. And I cannot stand the fact that people can be so friendly all the time and can talk relentlessly all the time. That is just absurd I am telling you.
I have also an issue with trusting people. Deep down inside, every human thinks for themselves and themselves alone. You think when they say like do you need help, I don't believe that's what they mean deep from their heart. Human nature tells me so that isn't true. People cannot be 100% loving towards one another all the time. Love is such a fragile thing and it is easily broken by people of this world. Look at politicians. The newspapers. You would know what I mean. I still find it hard to trust people here in Melbourne. Sure I have learn to know these people and grow to get closer to them and in this, love them at the same time. Still you cannot associate love and trust in the same sentence. Or that's how I see that. I still feel that people are still pretentious no matter how loving they are. They always have an internal motive that they are doing so for their own benefit.
This part is going to be a hard part for me to express it out. But I have to for the sake of the friendship. At this moment, I am wondering should I write it up here or just confront them and just express how I really feel about that. But since they are not online ATM, I will do it right here right now.
It is nothing really big, really. I'll type that another day.
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