Tribulations.
Everyone has their own life problems to deal with.
Hence we will do whatever it takes to make our life more secure.
It could be through gaining more wealth, dating around, own more cars, own more houses, the possibilities is endless.
We need security to feel safe. To feel that I can survive.
However I feel that I always fail to see that the greatest security that we can invest in is our relationship with God.
God is 100% committed to us.
Why can't we be 100% committed back to Him?
Whenever anything bad happened, the first time that get tossed out of the window is our time with God.
And I am guilty of doing that.
The world teaches us that life is a rat race and it is the survival of the fittest.
No one will look out for you.
You only look out for yourself. What is best for your own self interest.
However what is Jesus's two greatest commandment?
1. Love our God with all our heart, mind and soul; and
2. Love our neighbour as we love ourselves
You notice there is no reference to yourselves.
We are not called to be selfish. We are called to be selfless.
Therefore I am ready. I am ready to do whatever it takes to advance God's kingdom.
I need to be obedient to His words, to listen and wait upon Him and let Him lead while I humbly follow.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The storm within and around us
Storm.
Dark clouds.
Windy weather.
Gloomy skies.
Clapping of thunder and flashing of lightnings.
It depicts an obstacle in life.
Something undesirable.
Something unexpected and unforeseeable.
Something that would consume our effort, commitment, time.
Something that impedes or impairs ourselves.
Something that would be challenging and frustrating all together.
However in everyday situation, we do face our storms.
Big or small in magnitude.
All different in their own ways.
Storms will never cease to be a part of our life.
It is just that we need to see what is the storm is trying to teach us.
Because I believe that all storms exists for a purpose, a reason, to teach us a lesson.
Take heart because God would never send you into a storm too big for you to handle.
Because we have a bigger God, bigger than anything else in our life.
The latest storm I'm facing?
To be more precise, the lesson I got out of this 5 month long storm?
It prepared me for this current examination compared to my last semester.
It shifts my focus from a selfcentric person to a God-centric person.
It prepares me to force me to seek comfort and refuge in the God Upmost High Almighty.
Dark clouds.
Windy weather.
Gloomy skies.
Clapping of thunder and flashing of lightnings.
It depicts an obstacle in life.
Something undesirable.
Something unexpected and unforeseeable.
Something that would consume our effort, commitment, time.
Something that impedes or impairs ourselves.
Something that would be challenging and frustrating all together.
However in everyday situation, we do face our storms.
Big or small in magnitude.
All different in their own ways.
Storms will never cease to be a part of our life.
It is just that we need to see what is the storm is trying to teach us.
Because I believe that all storms exists for a purpose, a reason, to teach us a lesson.
Take heart because God would never send you into a storm too big for you to handle.
Because we have a bigger God, bigger than anything else in our life.
The latest storm I'm facing?
To be more precise, the lesson I got out of this 5 month long storm?
It prepared me for this current examination compared to my last semester.
It shifts my focus from a selfcentric person to a God-centric person.
It prepares me to force me to seek comfort and refuge in the God Upmost High Almighty.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I am back!
On Monday, my friend has enlightened me that Facebook isn't as private as you think it is. It is extremely public thanks to the news feed. It is no longer a safe haven or platform to express your feelings to the whole world to see and observe you. So from now onwards, I will express my feeling on this blog and also using twitter. Nevertheless I will still need a platform of output to get all these agitation out one way or another. So online media comes to the rescue. Just need to be more cautious on what media to utilise.
Just watch out world of blogs! I am going to shout all I feel here man!
It feels goodddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Just watch out world of blogs! I am going to shout all I feel here man!
It feels goodddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Saturday, June 4, 2011
No strings attached
There is a saying that "all wells that ends well". Maybe another one is letting ends meet. But let me tell you something. Even though the ends do meet, there is a chance of it breaking and it needs to reattach itself once more. And this breaking- and-rejoin process happens very frequently too as well. This is my analogy of life.
Sometimes everything looks so peachy and fine, like you can conquer the world and everything is finally going the way you planned. That feeling is just great isn't it? However the next second, everything starts collapsing and fall into pieces and the world is suddenly against you. You lose your job, your marriage is on the rocks, you have problem concentrating on whatever you do. You will feel like you are back to square one and you need to start all over again. Ridiculous I tell you!! You try and try again to reattach that string of which we call life. It is a tedious, painful, ongoing, continuous, never ending journey.
Life is unpredictable isn't it?
Sometimes everything looks so peachy and fine, like you can conquer the world and everything is finally going the way you planned. That feeling is just great isn't it? However the next second, everything starts collapsing and fall into pieces and the world is suddenly against you. You lose your job, your marriage is on the rocks, you have problem concentrating on whatever you do. You will feel like you are back to square one and you need to start all over again. Ridiculous I tell you!! You try and try again to reattach that string of which we call life. It is a tedious, painful, ongoing, continuous, never ending journey.
Life is unpredictable isn't it?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Mistreating grace
Two days ago, I attended a Katy Perry concert and it was off the hook and it is the best ever concert I have been to among all my concert experiences. Furthermore, it was the standing area, even better right?
Or so I thought. People keep pushing each other, touching each other, squeezing each other. I felt rather uncomfortable, getting agitated, annoyed, angry, frustrated, tired, not to mention half deaf from all the screaming. I was thinking, if I let this emotions takes its course and I actually unleash it, it wouldn't be pretty would it?
Then a thought flashed up in my mind. God always knew I have problem tolerating people and always treat every little actions of other people as an insult to my wellbeing when it is not so. Even when they are just glancing around, mini dagger-like thought would attack and make me incredibly insecure and uncomfortable, planting seeds of doubt and insults, trying to bring me down, rendering me worthless in the eyes of people. Somehow I recalled the devotions I read not too long ago that says:
The Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves; Hebrews 12:6
That correction process takes time and even though sometimes we know our flaws and weaknesses, instead of seeking God to change that in us, we tend to ignore it and shove it aside, having the mentality that we would be able to handle it whenever it comes about. But I can honestly say that any actions by our own strength will be in vain. I have issues with people being too sarcastic until that sheer mask cover their true self. It is just too hard to reach out or relate to them. I know I am being judgmental here but that is my baggage I guess. People being fake and just putting on a show. When you ask them something, you need to ask them twice because their first answer is not a genuine one. It is very draining and energy consuming. Also another issue I am facing is just dealing with offense. Some people are just so freaking oblivious to their thoughts and actions because they are not observant enough to see it just right in front of their eyes.
God will correct these problems Himself first before using other people and circumstances to correct us. It is hard to accept and swallow our pride to know we are wrong, especially through others. However whatever corrections God made, either through Him or people, is for our own good, for our Lord God is faithful and good and perfect.
My correction lesson is:
1. Do not take offense from people actions and thoughts and words; instead take it as something constructive and appreciate it
2. Do not be sensitive to everything
3. Tolerate people; their good and not-so-good characteristics
The next day after the concert, I felt ridiculously ill. Before that, I was kinda on the verge of falling sick. But now it is official. The virus has invaded my body system and so the war begins. A microbiological war that is. However there is another battle that is happening right now as well. The spiritual battle. This is the first time that I felt a huge surge of thoughts rushing into my thoughts. The spirit of offense, the spirit of envy, the spirit of pride, the spirit of bashing people up, the spirit of unworthiness, the spirit of insults. Bombarding me with thoughts after thoughts, not letting me go. This spiritual bombardment actually intensifies when the illness kicks in and I have never felt such thing before. The Devil is a crafty being and will seize any opportunity to bring you down. And unfortunately, I fell so hard yesterday until I felt my spirit broke into a million pieces. I didn't feel the presence of God, I felt so empty, sick, deprived. No guilt, no grace, no love, no mercy, nothing. Just an empty void of space.
Then today, I woke up and I just read 'Our Daily Bread'. Guess what is the topic? It is "Abusing Grace?". I was blown away by the topic and felt it really touched my heart, based on my circumstances I have experiencing these few days. I do feel that way. I do feel that I am abusing the grace of which our Lord God has graciously poured upon us. His abundant love. His everlasting love.
As Paul puts it, in Romans 5:20, where sin abounded, grace abounded much more. However as assuring that is, as Jude says in Jude 4, it is possible to change the grace of our God into a license for immortality. I can't help but thinking this verse was meant for me right now. To have the mentality to commit a sin and then go to God for forgiveness and then to sin again, that sounds so appealing. Imagine to live a life of sin, yet we can still go to heaven, knowing all our sins have been cleansed. We can do whatever we want, which is true, as God has permit us to do so, but will that be pleasing in the eyes of God?
In Romans 6, Paul spoke directly to the point. “Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?” He gave a short, explosive answer: “Certainly not!” (vv.1-2) and used an analogy that starkly contrasts death and life. “How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?” (v.2). No Christian resurrected to new life should be pining for sin but rather hate sin for all the destructions it will have upon our life. It also destroys our relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.
Do not let sin reign in your mortal body; Hebrews 6:12. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit so lets keep ourself holy and pure. Let us worship our Lord through our actions, not merely our words. No matter how weak we may feel or how low we feel of ourself and of our life, let that pain and suffering be insignificant compared to our relationship to Jesus Christ.
Remember this: God does not save us by grace so we may live in disgrace
Therefore I really encourage you guys to read it because it really relates to everyone no matter where we are in our life.
Excerpts from Our Daily Bread (30.4.2011)
Or so I thought. People keep pushing each other, touching each other, squeezing each other. I felt rather uncomfortable, getting agitated, annoyed, angry, frustrated, tired, not to mention half deaf from all the screaming. I was thinking, if I let this emotions takes its course and I actually unleash it, it wouldn't be pretty would it?
Then a thought flashed up in my mind. God always knew I have problem tolerating people and always treat every little actions of other people as an insult to my wellbeing when it is not so. Even when they are just glancing around, mini dagger-like thought would attack and make me incredibly insecure and uncomfortable, planting seeds of doubt and insults, trying to bring me down, rendering me worthless in the eyes of people. Somehow I recalled the devotions I read not too long ago that says:
The Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves; Hebrews 12:6
That correction process takes time and even though sometimes we know our flaws and weaknesses, instead of seeking God to change that in us, we tend to ignore it and shove it aside, having the mentality that we would be able to handle it whenever it comes about. But I can honestly say that any actions by our own strength will be in vain. I have issues with people being too sarcastic until that sheer mask cover their true self. It is just too hard to reach out or relate to them. I know I am being judgmental here but that is my baggage I guess. People being fake and just putting on a show. When you ask them something, you need to ask them twice because their first answer is not a genuine one. It is very draining and energy consuming. Also another issue I am facing is just dealing with offense. Some people are just so freaking oblivious to their thoughts and actions because they are not observant enough to see it just right in front of their eyes.
God will correct these problems Himself first before using other people and circumstances to correct us. It is hard to accept and swallow our pride to know we are wrong, especially through others. However whatever corrections God made, either through Him or people, is for our own good, for our Lord God is faithful and good and perfect.
My correction lesson is:
1. Do not take offense from people actions and thoughts and words; instead take it as something constructive and appreciate it
2. Do not be sensitive to everything
3. Tolerate people; their good and not-so-good characteristics
The next day after the concert, I felt ridiculously ill. Before that, I was kinda on the verge of falling sick. But now it is official. The virus has invaded my body system and so the war begins. A microbiological war that is. However there is another battle that is happening right now as well. The spiritual battle. This is the first time that I felt a huge surge of thoughts rushing into my thoughts. The spirit of offense, the spirit of envy, the spirit of pride, the spirit of bashing people up, the spirit of unworthiness, the spirit of insults. Bombarding me with thoughts after thoughts, not letting me go. This spiritual bombardment actually intensifies when the illness kicks in and I have never felt such thing before. The Devil is a crafty being and will seize any opportunity to bring you down. And unfortunately, I fell so hard yesterday until I felt my spirit broke into a million pieces. I didn't feel the presence of God, I felt so empty, sick, deprived. No guilt, no grace, no love, no mercy, nothing. Just an empty void of space.
Then today, I woke up and I just read 'Our Daily Bread'. Guess what is the topic? It is "Abusing Grace?". I was blown away by the topic and felt it really touched my heart, based on my circumstances I have experiencing these few days. I do feel that way. I do feel that I am abusing the grace of which our Lord God has graciously poured upon us. His abundant love. His everlasting love.
As Paul puts it, in Romans 5:20, where sin abounded, grace abounded much more. However as assuring that is, as Jude says in Jude 4, it is possible to change the grace of our God into a license for immortality. I can't help but thinking this verse was meant for me right now. To have the mentality to commit a sin and then go to God for forgiveness and then to sin again, that sounds so appealing. Imagine to live a life of sin, yet we can still go to heaven, knowing all our sins have been cleansed. We can do whatever we want, which is true, as God has permit us to do so, but will that be pleasing in the eyes of God?
In Romans 6, Paul spoke directly to the point. “Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?” He gave a short, explosive answer: “Certainly not!” (vv.1-2) and used an analogy that starkly contrasts death and life. “How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?” (v.2). No Christian resurrected to new life should be pining for sin but rather hate sin for all the destructions it will have upon our life. It also destroys our relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.
Do not let sin reign in your mortal body; Hebrews 6:12. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit so lets keep ourself holy and pure. Let us worship our Lord through our actions, not merely our words. No matter how weak we may feel or how low we feel of ourself and of our life, let that pain and suffering be insignificant compared to our relationship to Jesus Christ.
Remember this: God does not save us by grace so we may live in disgrace
Therefore I really encourage you guys to read it because it really relates to everyone no matter where we are in our life.
Excerpts from Our Daily Bread (30.4.2011)
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Peace of God
Isaiah 26:3-4; You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.
Today's Our Daily Bread (ODB) is connected with us dealing with procrastination in life. About we keep delaying important matters at hand in our life. And it really speaks to me. My heart has never been this anxious, uneasy, restless ever I think. With assignments due on Monday, and got disbanded from my audit team, I felt that the world was seriously against me. I felt so ridiculously lousy. I felt that I cannot handle this form of pressure at all. Not only I wasn't coping with anything at hand, moreover I felt that I was lacking behind my studies. Doing my tutorials work at the last minute.
Yes, numerous times I asked God to help me in my assignments. Help me to remove this anxiety that has been stirring in my heart for the past few days. And everything was in vain. I felt that my heart was getting heavier and heavier as the day passes by. I even went to the point of scolding God of questioning Him for how He has laid out my life as so. I was bitter. Towards God, towards myself and towards people.
Thankfully, on Wednesday, my friend agreed to form a group team with me for audit unit, so I felt really relieved. Yet my heart was still uneasy and pounding even harder than before. Even during yesterday bible study, I still wasn't feeling God's comfort and His love at that point. But I was on a verge of recovery I guess I could say that.
Today has been a barrier-breaking moment for me. Only I read today's devotional, I truly understand His nature, His word and His promise. Truly I soaked myself in His words, soaked myself in His presence. As the verse stated above, through God, your heart will be put to peace and I felt it today. That He will telling me that He will remove all these anxiety and do not worry for He has this assignment in His hand and all you have to do is finish the assignment and He will provide. He is our shepherd, He goes before us, knowing the things that is ahead, that is installed for us in the future. Yet we failed to grasp that concept. As Jesus says in John 14:6, He is the way, the truth and the life, no one goes through the Father except through Him. I felt His hand picking me, a minuscule being, that I may conquers mountains that I will be heading during my time here on Earth. His big, amazing, mighty hand protecting me and lifting me up, that I may not be weary, I may not be tired, that I may sore like eagles in the sky. So praise God for instilling peace once again in my heart.
As Philippians 4:6 puts it,
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.
Verse 7 is the pivotal verse that says that,
"and the peace of God, Which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".
Verse 7 is so comforting and reassuring that Jesus Christ is our deliverance and our salvation.
I was also reading another devotional written by Joyce Meyer about a new heart. She quotes from Ezekiel 36: 26-27 that says:
"A new heart will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh. And I will put My spirit you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you shall heed My ordinances and do them"
This verse is so encouraging that through what Jesus had done for us, we are relinquished from the binding of the old covenant and entered into the new covenant and we are able to have a perfect relationship with God. Through that, God has promised to send His holy spirit to reside within us. For our body is His holy temple. He is inside our heart. Inside our soul. One with our spirit. When He lives within us, that how we can communicate with Him, enable us to hear His voice, give us godly strength to do things we cannot do by our own strength and give us power to obey what He says to us even though we are less than inclined to do so. He is so close and near to us and you can really look forward to have mind-blowing fellowship with Him when you pray. Imagine that the creator of heavens and earth is dwelling with our body?? That kind of a crazy concept but it's true!
Sometimes, we have the tendency to forget to acknowledge His presence in our life, due to our extremely hectic life and overwhelming events or activities that consume our life and us in the process. We have the mindset that we have everything in tact and we will handle everything. That is when we become the master of our life, not Jesus anymore. And yes it is very dangerous web to get tangled in and I admit that I have been stuck there before numerous times. Yet it is so assuring that even though we may have gotten ourself in the wrong track, we can still come back to God and He will forget us and will guide us once more because of His mercy and His everlasting love. As 1 Samuel 12:20 quotes:
"Do not be afraid," Samuel replied. "You have done all this evil, yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart
Don't let yesterday failures bankrupt tomorrow's efforts. That is still a lesson-in-progress for me. But I will stay strong in the word of God and in the presence of God because through Him, all things are possible.
Today's Our Daily Bread (ODB) is connected with us dealing with procrastination in life. About we keep delaying important matters at hand in our life. And it really speaks to me. My heart has never been this anxious, uneasy, restless ever I think. With assignments due on Monday, and got disbanded from my audit team, I felt that the world was seriously against me. I felt so ridiculously lousy. I felt that I cannot handle this form of pressure at all. Not only I wasn't coping with anything at hand, moreover I felt that I was lacking behind my studies. Doing my tutorials work at the last minute.
Yes, numerous times I asked God to help me in my assignments. Help me to remove this anxiety that has been stirring in my heart for the past few days. And everything was in vain. I felt that my heart was getting heavier and heavier as the day passes by. I even went to the point of scolding God of questioning Him for how He has laid out my life as so. I was bitter. Towards God, towards myself and towards people.
Thankfully, on Wednesday, my friend agreed to form a group team with me for audit unit, so I felt really relieved. Yet my heart was still uneasy and pounding even harder than before. Even during yesterday bible study, I still wasn't feeling God's comfort and His love at that point. But I was on a verge of recovery I guess I could say that.
Today has been a barrier-breaking moment for me. Only I read today's devotional, I truly understand His nature, His word and His promise. Truly I soaked myself in His words, soaked myself in His presence. As the verse stated above, through God, your heart will be put to peace and I felt it today. That He will telling me that He will remove all these anxiety and do not worry for He has this assignment in His hand and all you have to do is finish the assignment and He will provide. He is our shepherd, He goes before us, knowing the things that is ahead, that is installed for us in the future. Yet we failed to grasp that concept. As Jesus says in John 14:6, He is the way, the truth and the life, no one goes through the Father except through Him. I felt His hand picking me, a minuscule being, that I may conquers mountains that I will be heading during my time here on Earth. His big, amazing, mighty hand protecting me and lifting me up, that I may not be weary, I may not be tired, that I may sore like eagles in the sky. So praise God for instilling peace once again in my heart.
As Philippians 4:6 puts it,
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.
Verse 7 is the pivotal verse that says that,
"and the peace of God, Which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".
Verse 7 is so comforting and reassuring that Jesus Christ is our deliverance and our salvation.
I was also reading another devotional written by Joyce Meyer about a new heart. She quotes from Ezekiel 36: 26-27 that says:
"A new heart will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh. And I will put My spirit you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you shall heed My ordinances and do them"
This verse is so encouraging that through what Jesus had done for us, we are relinquished from the binding of the old covenant and entered into the new covenant and we are able to have a perfect relationship with God. Through that, God has promised to send His holy spirit to reside within us. For our body is His holy temple. He is inside our heart. Inside our soul. One with our spirit. When He lives within us, that how we can communicate with Him, enable us to hear His voice, give us godly strength to do things we cannot do by our own strength and give us power to obey what He says to us even though we are less than inclined to do so. He is so close and near to us and you can really look forward to have mind-blowing fellowship with Him when you pray. Imagine that the creator of heavens and earth is dwelling with our body?? That kind of a crazy concept but it's true!
Sometimes, we have the tendency to forget to acknowledge His presence in our life, due to our extremely hectic life and overwhelming events or activities that consume our life and us in the process. We have the mindset that we have everything in tact and we will handle everything. That is when we become the master of our life, not Jesus anymore. And yes it is very dangerous web to get tangled in and I admit that I have been stuck there before numerous times. Yet it is so assuring that even though we may have gotten ourself in the wrong track, we can still come back to God and He will forget us and will guide us once more because of His mercy and His everlasting love. As 1 Samuel 12:20 quotes:
"Do not be afraid," Samuel replied. "You have done all this evil, yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart
Don't let yesterday failures bankrupt tomorrow's efforts. That is still a lesson-in-progress for me. But I will stay strong in the word of God and in the presence of God because through Him, all things are possible.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Inadequate
Inadequate. Insufficient. Incompetent. Incomplete. Incapable. Imperfect. Incommensurate. Infrequent. Impaired. Inferior. Impotent. Ineffectual. Inefficient. Insubstantial. Infirm. Inept.
All the words described above have similar meaning which is lacking of something of what is required or necessary.
Today, or this week rather, I have been feeling that way. I feel so lousy, so week, so feeble, to be able to do anything. For starters, I keep failing in waking up to my desired time every morning. I want to wake up like a hour prior to any class, if I have any on that day, or around 8am so that I can go to the gym and be more productive with my time and day and resources. But alas, I can't. I can't get my fat ass off the bed. I just keep sleeping and sleeping and sleeping till it was noon today.
And my mind keep telling me that I can't do anything coz I am that incompetent.
I can't study harder.
I can't be smarter.
I can't run faster.
I can't help people better.
I can't be more knowledgeable.
I can't be better at badminton.
I can't be able at my time with God.
I can't be able to hear God's words.
I can't have a better prayer life.
I can't be more toned.
I can't be healthier.
I can't be more of an extrovert.
I can't forgive people.
I can't tolerate people.
I can't cook better.
I can't connect with people better.
I can't be better looking than other people.
I can't be taller than other people.
I can't be more talented than other people.
I can't play any musical instrument better than other people.
I can't allocate my time properly.
I can't be friendlier to people.
I can't stay away from the internet before falling.
I can't be more disciplined in my study and spiritual life.
So much doubts that have been casted down on me till I can reach to the point of breaking down. I just keep undermining and undermining myself for hours and hours, days, weeks. But somehow my system, at times, chooses to ignores these doubts and at other times, decides to bombard me with them till I break into tears. I am so freaking sick of this. Whenever my inner conscious is doing, it is like I have no control of it. In university, you turn to one side and you see a taller and hunkier guy. You turn to the other side and you see people having a gf/bf. Another side and you see them so diligently studying. Another side and you see people socializing and so sure of themselves. Sometimes it sickens me to see people having everything so easy from the outside and that's how you begin to undermine yourself and it never stops. It is a perpetual torment every single day of your life. It is killing me from the inside.
I am stuck. I am insecure. I am taking everything too seriously and have too of a critical mindset. I need to break down these walls that the Devil has built around me and start change my mindset for the better. I must...
All the words described above have similar meaning which is lacking of something of what is required or necessary.
Today, or this week rather, I have been feeling that way. I feel so lousy, so week, so feeble, to be able to do anything. For starters, I keep failing in waking up to my desired time every morning. I want to wake up like a hour prior to any class, if I have any on that day, or around 8am so that I can go to the gym and be more productive with my time and day and resources. But alas, I can't. I can't get my fat ass off the bed. I just keep sleeping and sleeping and sleeping till it was noon today.
And my mind keep telling me that I can't do anything coz I am that incompetent.
I can't study harder.
I can't be smarter.
I can't run faster.
I can't help people better.
I can't be more knowledgeable.
I can't be better at badminton.
I can't be able at my time with God.
I can't be able to hear God's words.
I can't have a better prayer life.
I can't be more toned.
I can't be healthier.
I can't be more of an extrovert.
I can't forgive people.
I can't tolerate people.
I can't cook better.
I can't connect with people better.
I can't be better looking than other people.
I can't be taller than other people.
I can't be more talented than other people.
I can't play any musical instrument better than other people.
I can't allocate my time properly.
I can't be friendlier to people.
I can't stay away from the internet before falling.
I can't be more disciplined in my study and spiritual life.
So much doubts that have been casted down on me till I can reach to the point of breaking down. I just keep undermining and undermining myself for hours and hours, days, weeks. But somehow my system, at times, chooses to ignores these doubts and at other times, decides to bombard me with them till I break into tears. I am so freaking sick of this. Whenever my inner conscious is doing, it is like I have no control of it. In university, you turn to one side and you see a taller and hunkier guy. You turn to the other side and you see people having a gf/bf. Another side and you see them so diligently studying. Another side and you see people socializing and so sure of themselves. Sometimes it sickens me to see people having everything so easy from the outside and that's how you begin to undermine yourself and it never stops. It is a perpetual torment every single day of your life. It is killing me from the inside.
I am stuck. I am insecure. I am taking everything too seriously and have too of a critical mindset. I need to break down these walls that the Devil has built around me and start change my mindset for the better. I must...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Emo emo emo
Hey peeps I am back in Melbourne once more, the land of unpredictable weather and really bad housing compared to mine in Malaysia.
To be frank, I have been wanting to write this blog since I arrived here but everytime I have the urge to, the computer is shut off and I am always laying on the bed, too exhausted to get up.
Today that has changed.
I guess this will be my most honest-to-God post I have ever published, so I am sorry if I am being blunt and honest and just trying to be myself for a change.
As people would (or would not) know, I departed early to Melbourne around 2 weeks ago (13 February 2011) and undergo a missionary trip called the "February Missionary Trip". This trip revolves about going to universities around Melbourne mainly Monash Caulfield, Monash Clayton, Melbourne University and Ballarat University. In each campuses, the team by the name of the club called "Student Life" conducted questionnaire and just shared the gospel to the university students, namely international students. It was a two weeks long missionary that just ended last week (13/2/11 - 26/2/11).
And as fun as the trip was, it was more draining for everyone especially me. Physically from all the travelling between campuses. Mentally from all the mind pressing need to be done to keep the conversation lively. Emotionally from talking continuously to different people and the stress of going beyond your comfort zone. Spiritually from trying to reach out to them constantly. At the end of this trip, especially the first week, I was so so so so drained of myself and I was so indifferent and distracted and couldn't care less. And after the second week, I was easily annoyed and find myself so fired up over little things, I feel everyone around me are such a nuisance and I felt that I couldn't communicate to anyone anymore.
As you know, during this project, you normally have sharing sessions and prayer sessions with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I find it ridiculously hard to open up and share. I find it so insecure to talk about my inter most feeling, my biggest insecurities. I am going to sound really harsh but who are they to know about my personal life. I mean like we are friends, but we aren't that close so why should I tell you stuff. And deep down inside, I keep mocking them all and keep laughing at them when they say or do something. And somehow I find myself insanely proud of myself. Thinking I am better than all of them. And another half of the time, I also keep shooting myself down when they can share the gospel or bring someone to Christ. And I will be questioning myself and God why can't that be me and why can't I do such thing like they can. I feel so confused with all the overwhelming emotions which rendered me useless and making me feel like a failure.
There is something about me. I don't really believe what you showed on the outside. Or even what comes out from your mouth. When people smile, I always assume they are just being polite and just don't wanna hurt your feeling. But deep down inside, they are just teasing and laughing at you, bashing you of your appearances and actions. If you say something like ohh that cool, I don't buy it. I have always believe that talk is cheap. Or even when my friend say that he is an introvert, his actions don't portray that. That is just rubbish and lies to me. And I cannot stand the fact that people can be so friendly all the time and can talk relentlessly all the time. That is just absurd I am telling you.
I have also an issue with trusting people. Deep down inside, every human thinks for themselves and themselves alone. You think when they say like do you need help, I don't believe that's what they mean deep from their heart. Human nature tells me so that isn't true. People cannot be 100% loving towards one another all the time. Love is such a fragile thing and it is easily broken by people of this world. Look at politicians. The newspapers. You would know what I mean. I still find it hard to trust people here in Melbourne. Sure I have learn to know these people and grow to get closer to them and in this, love them at the same time. Still you cannot associate love and trust in the same sentence. Or that's how I see that. I still feel that people are still pretentious no matter how loving they are. They always have an internal motive that they are doing so for their own benefit.
This part is going to be a hard part for me to express it out. But I have to for the sake of the friendship. At this moment, I am wondering should I write it up here or just confront them and just express how I really feel about that. But since they are not online ATM, I will do it right here right now.
It is nothing really big, really. I'll type that another day.
To be frank, I have been wanting to write this blog since I arrived here but everytime I have the urge to, the computer is shut off and I am always laying on the bed, too exhausted to get up.
Today that has changed.
I guess this will be my most honest-to-God post I have ever published, so I am sorry if I am being blunt and honest and just trying to be myself for a change.
As people would (or would not) know, I departed early to Melbourne around 2 weeks ago (13 February 2011) and undergo a missionary trip called the "February Missionary Trip". This trip revolves about going to universities around Melbourne mainly Monash Caulfield, Monash Clayton, Melbourne University and Ballarat University. In each campuses, the team by the name of the club called "Student Life" conducted questionnaire and just shared the gospel to the university students, namely international students. It was a two weeks long missionary that just ended last week (13/2/11 - 26/2/11).
And as fun as the trip was, it was more draining for everyone especially me. Physically from all the travelling between campuses. Mentally from all the mind pressing need to be done to keep the conversation lively. Emotionally from talking continuously to different people and the stress of going beyond your comfort zone. Spiritually from trying to reach out to them constantly. At the end of this trip, especially the first week, I was so so so so drained of myself and I was so indifferent and distracted and couldn't care less. And after the second week, I was easily annoyed and find myself so fired up over little things, I feel everyone around me are such a nuisance and I felt that I couldn't communicate to anyone anymore.
As you know, during this project, you normally have sharing sessions and prayer sessions with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I find it ridiculously hard to open up and share. I find it so insecure to talk about my inter most feeling, my biggest insecurities. I am going to sound really harsh but who are they to know about my personal life. I mean like we are friends, but we aren't that close so why should I tell you stuff. And deep down inside, I keep mocking them all and keep laughing at them when they say or do something. And somehow I find myself insanely proud of myself. Thinking I am better than all of them. And another half of the time, I also keep shooting myself down when they can share the gospel or bring someone to Christ. And I will be questioning myself and God why can't that be me and why can't I do such thing like they can. I feel so confused with all the overwhelming emotions which rendered me useless and making me feel like a failure.
There is something about me. I don't really believe what you showed on the outside. Or even what comes out from your mouth. When people smile, I always assume they are just being polite and just don't wanna hurt your feeling. But deep down inside, they are just teasing and laughing at you, bashing you of your appearances and actions. If you say something like ohh that cool, I don't buy it. I have always believe that talk is cheap. Or even when my friend say that he is an introvert, his actions don't portray that. That is just rubbish and lies to me. And I cannot stand the fact that people can be so friendly all the time and can talk relentlessly all the time. That is just absurd I am telling you.
I have also an issue with trusting people. Deep down inside, every human thinks for themselves and themselves alone. You think when they say like do you need help, I don't believe that's what they mean deep from their heart. Human nature tells me so that isn't true. People cannot be 100% loving towards one another all the time. Love is such a fragile thing and it is easily broken by people of this world. Look at politicians. The newspapers. You would know what I mean. I still find it hard to trust people here in Melbourne. Sure I have learn to know these people and grow to get closer to them and in this, love them at the same time. Still you cannot associate love and trust in the same sentence. Or that's how I see that. I still feel that people are still pretentious no matter how loving they are. They always have an internal motive that they are doing so for their own benefit.
This part is going to be a hard part for me to express it out. But I have to for the sake of the friendship. At this moment, I am wondering should I write it up here or just confront them and just express how I really feel about that. But since they are not online ATM, I will do it right here right now.
It is nothing really big, really. I'll type that another day.
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